Comedy

An ancient Blog from my MySpace blog

I was leaving the movie theater when I saw a really hot blonde girl walking out with her friend and her friend’s boyfriend. They were going my way so I watched them for a second. She was cute… but probably 16 or 17. After a few feet of walking, I lost them in the Friday night crowd.

I had just seen Apacalypto -very intense. On my way out to the parking lot I saw the movie poster on the way. It was next to the Happy Feet poster. That would make a good double feature.

I hit the parking lot when I saw the blonde again. They had just met some other friends and where exchanging hugs. Right then when I heard the line that would define my existance.

The follow words came out of the blonde girl’s lips as she greeted her girlfriend:

“I was thinking how cold my boobs were and I just happen to think of you.”

Uhm… wow… Read that line again. Your eyes start to glaze over and your brain starts to disintergrate.

“I was thinking how cold my boobs were and I just happen to think of you.”

I walked the parking lot for about 20 minutes trying to find my car. My mind was dizzy and pre-occupied. I had heard Lewis Black’s comedy about line he heard (“If it wasn’t for that horse, I wouldn’t have spend that year in college”) but this one was worse. Way worse.

I knew what was going to happen to me. On the way home a blood vessel in my head would pop and they’d find me dead in a ditch. I had to get that line out of my head

“I was thinking how cold my boobs were and I just happen to think of you.”

I made it back to my house. Safe for now… but the night is still young.

I didn’t know you’re boobs could get cold??

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From a preschool recital I shot in 2006

Kinder Kombat

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Okay, I’ve got to post this little email exchange… because frankly… whenever I get cursed at… it’s usually funny. I’ll hide the name to protect the ignorant:

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Some Dude
Date: May 30, 2007 9:18 PM

I have alot of ideals to make million’s…I’m a writer/director independent check out my page…

Some Dude

To which I reply:

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Gospel John
Date: May 30, 2007 11:53 PM

Ideals? You sure?

Perhaps it was just a typo… but no sir:

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Smed Dude
Date: May 31, 2007 11:27 PM

Yes Ideals an yes Gospel John I’m sure check out the name’s to these titles.

“District Of Money”
“Zone 5″ Or “5th Zone” This Is The New StarWars
“Till They Come”
“I’m Death”
“Heist Kid” Comedy

I have all the tools but not the rules you feel me yet Mr.Gospel I am the Million Dollar Baby yes I’m I just need a partner as hungry as me yes I’m that good,with ideals,an brainstroming for good films an short one’s.

Guess not, so I probe a bit further:

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Gospel John
Date: May 31, 2007 11:31 PM

Huh… frankly I’m sick of writers with ideals… I’d much rather here some good ideas.

Too bad all you’ve got are ideals.

John Hess

Now I’m motioning with my hand that something has flew completely over his head:

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Some Dude
Date: May 31, 2007 11:38 PM

What doe’s this mean… You can here my ideals any time but how, I have more to offer then just ideals.

Wow… this is getting bad:

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Gospel John
Date: May 31, 2007 11:49 PM

I don’t care about your ideals. I want to hear ideas.

Do I need to spell it out for you?

John Hess

Ahh… delicious word play. Too bad it was lost on this pour sap.

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Some Dude
Date: Jun 1, 2007 12:27 AM

Here’s a Joke For You fuck You John Hess…lmao

Time to dispense some good ol’ fatherly advice:

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Gospel John
Date: Jun 1, 2007 12:38 AM

Wow… that was genius.

Learn to spell kid. You’re not going as a director or filmmaker if you can’t spell.

And the creme de le creme…. his finally kiss off to me.

—————– Original Message —————–
From: Some Dude
Date: Jun 1, 2007 12:58 AM

Look Here Mr. Hess I know your good but damm why do you have to be like that it’s cool fuck it I’ll look some where else for help an my shit is way better then your’s you jerk an I can spell your not even funny you look like your ass stink’s you get no pussy an you have a very little white winer when you do try to have sex the white girlssay what are you doing with that Hesster Hess I can’t even see it were will it go.You won’t even give me cum your just a waste of time.An by the way that tie that you have on is just as yellow as it can be it looks very dry an it probley stinks too cause you have that suit on in like all of your shot’s you are boring I was tryin to help that’s it ass whole an your right I am a genius. An by the way you fuck off punk you missed something out of you sentence you ass licker tight suit yellow bow tie wearing wigger.lmao Is this Comedy or what? get it together brother we make mistake’s some times but thanksI have some good ideas for you I learned how to spell something today thanks Hess..

You Better Do Something with me I can help Mr Hess..

What did you miss out?

Wow, he finally spelled “ideas” right.

To think… English was the language of Shakespeare!!!

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