First off let me make a public announcement about the Action on Film Festival in Pasadena. Everyone not directly associated with the festival had nothing but good things about the event and frankly I don’t doubt them. I got a chance to network with some interesting people and as my very first festival acceptance for a film I directed, AOF will always be my first. Would I submit another film to them – absolutely. They seemed nice and they tried their best to help out the filmmakers. And I got a free water bottle!

That said, let’s get into it… shall we?

Last night My Emily enjoyed her festival premiere at Action of Film Festival in Pasadena. The screening was scheduled for 10:30PM. I arrived at 9PM, stuffed full of delicious sushi and sake (films are always enjoyed slightly or significantly inebriated). The 9PM block of movies started about 15 minutes behind schedule. Not terrible as far as film festivals go – I did a festival in West Hollywood that was 3 hours behind schedule.

The room was packed to the gills – probably about 150 at the screening. I could only find a seat in the front row, on the corner. So everything I saw was in keystone mode.

First up, a short animation about some flying metallic bee things. They fly around the world, through famous landmarks and it ends with the bee having a conversation with a dough mixer (you didn’t believe me when I said it was better to watch movies inebriated).

Okay, that was cute.

Up next, another short about a Jesus character who raises a dead girl. The girl is a spoiled teenager and doesn’t recognize the miracle that occurred. Cute concept but exhibited a terrible habit that I see a lot of writers fall for – bad conflict dialog. It’s like a tennis match that’s been fixed. Instead of each side competing to score points, they’re lobbying the ball and waiting for the other guy to smash it. Straight man/funny man to the extreme if you want a non-sports analogy.

And the sound sucked. I was guilty of doing too much noise reduction in my younger years as well.

Next, a reading of a short scene that was nominated. Boring… I didn’t couldn’t get into it.

Ah finally, the feature in the 9PM block. It was a Mafia comedy and it probably employed every Italian American in LA Central Casting. It even had that guy – you know, that guy – from the Sopranos. The first act was fun and I sat back to enjoy what I thought was going to be in for an entertaining mob farce. Then things got bad. Really bad.

First off, I noticed the DP had an ASC credits. It looked decent (shot on film) but being about 4 feet from the screen, it looked dirty and just unpleasant. Whatever.

But the plot – my god – the plot!

Continuity problem – it was suppose to take place in New York, but the Don has a vineyard. I’m not up on my New York geography, but I do live in “wine country” and there’s no way grapes will survive the frost.

You can’t blame the actors, because there were some funny moments and it seemed like they were trying to have fun with their scenes… but the plot!! The editing! It was atrocious. (yes it’s up for best editing)

The film’s penultimate scene has the protagonist entering a DANCE COMPETITION which has a grand prize of $100,000 – enough to pay off his gambling debts to the mob. Yes, an Italian wise guy pizza shop owner is entering a DANCE COMPETITION with a 6 figure purse and there’s no good dancers in sight.REALLY?

Editing wise – just lots of bizarre scenes – most of it didn’t make any sense. I’m sorry, I can’t keep up with which Vitoloni is trying to rub out which Ceceloni and why is Sammy the Voice singing the Rigoletto? Or is that the Rigatoni? Maybe I got it mixed up with an Olive Garden commercial. Lots of scenes where I was left asking – who are these people? Why are they talking about what they’re talking about? Whazzamatta?

Let me take a brief moment to apologize if I’ve offended any Italian Americans. I didn’t mean to infer that Olive Garden was actual Italian food. Italians are very sensitive to this.

So after 99 minutes of this, they get a nice applause. I’m sure it wasn’t an emperor’s new clothes deal – the gal sitting next to me ducked out during the credits and I’m sure that I wasn’t the only one who rolled up the welcome matte at the 50 minute mark.  After the lights come up they ask all the filmmakers and cast up to the front. By this time its 10:45. I know I’m next so I’m just watching the clock.

The bee guy gives a speech longer than his movie about how anybody who can dream it can do it now. Thanks. Then there’s about 10 people from the Mafia movie who want to congratulate each other. They thank the producers – one of which was wearing a bow tie – I notice that kind of thing – he looked like a nice guy – bow ties do that.

11PM – they finally say goodnight and ask people to continue their conversation outside. 11:15PM the theater is finally cleared. I walk outside thinking I need to show the usher my wristband to get into my screening. No one’s around. I better go to the bathroom.

The majority of the sake out of my system, I returned to the theater.

My film had already started…

And there was no one in the theater.

Well… I exaggerate that…

The usher was cleaning up empty popcorn boxes. But he left. And there I was alone, watching my film.

It looked pretty good (the DVD projector didn’t fill the screen) but it sounded amazing. All those hours I spent crafting the sound and music really paid off.

But there I am… sitting alone in the theater watching my film. If I were to distill the theme of “My Emily” into a few choice words – they would be “loneliness”, “alienation”, and “loneliness”.

Irony.

How sweet is that?

As sad and pathetic as my life and career at that very moment, I didn’t feel like jumping off the 8th story balcony I had back at the Hilton. I was still proud that I got where I did – even if I was the only one in the attending audience to see the film. It was still an accomplishment. To go from script to screen… it felt good.

Then I saw the feature that they paired with me. Or should I say… “feature”…

I knew this was coming… a quick IMDB search of the movie revealed the trailer and a sneak peak of what I was in for. And for anybody in the cast and crew reading this – I didn’t specifically invite people to this screening because of this movie. I didn’t want you guys spending money and having to sit through this film. And luckily, since I was the only one in the audience, neither did I.

I watched about 10 minutes of the film. The first 2 minutes were a posting of the three robot protocols using text that had so much spacing that my monkey brain couldn’t read them. Then the film was shot in 60i… having worked in 24p for a few years now, I’ve grown to love it. There is an elegance to that cadence and frankly everything else looks terrible (in a narrative).

Next, the sound was terrible. It was boomy and noisy – recorded off the camera no doubt. There was a scene that ended with the noise from a party getting louder and louder until you wanted to take a claw hammer and beat out your ear drums – then it cuts to silence. Way to go hot shot!

Nice to know that all that time I spent on the sound could have easily been spent searching for strange monkey porn online.

Next, they used a classical music track for running scene of the protagonist trying to get to the class on time. I’m not a classical music wizard – I don’t know Dvořák from a DeLorean. But I know the Nutcracker when I hear it (Russian Trepak to be exact though I did have to look it up). Nutcracker is NOT chase music. Just because it sounds classical, doesn’t you can ignore the century of ballet that has been associated with a track like that. Not to mention that every Christmas we’re reminded of how closely those Tchaikovsky tunes are associated with the Yule Log. Tis sloppy music work.

But what really broke my proverbial camel’s back was the scene where the protagonist gets to the class – the teacher hands him a test and walks to the white board and replaces the number “10″ in 10 minutes left, with a “5″. The problem with the scene? The “5″ was written with a dried out pen and barely visible on screen.

They couldn’t be bothered with getting a dry erase pen that worked.

Allow me to repeat that.

THEY COULDN’T BE BOTHERED WITH GETTING A DRY ERASE PEN THAT WORKED!!!

It wasn’t played as a joke… it just looked like sloppy filmmaking. That was enough. I got up and walked out. They put my efforts with the likes of this. Thanks guys. I sweat over the stupid tiny shit, I iron out sound issues – normalize, colorize, equalize… and I’m next to a movie that couldn’t be bothered to find a new Expo marker!

I walked over to after party and ordered a beer. I scan the room, which extremely noisy, for some body that looked open to conversation. I knew it was going to be hard, because my voice is exactly the same frequency as ambient noise. I finally take up a place at the bar next to a couple women, but there’s no luck. Used to be back in the day, that it wasn’t too hard to talk to someone sitting alone at the bar. But now, when a woman is alone, she’s usually texting someone on her phone or trading her Farmville stocks on the FBSE.

That gives me an idea – the iCockBlocker – want to avoid casual conversation in a bar? There’s an app for that.

I have another beer – and walk the mile back to the hotel at 1AM on Colorado Blvd. The city is quiet at that hour, the concrete still radiating warmth from the day, the night a uncaring musky mixture of left over traffic fumes and air conditioner exhaust.

Nice… lets see the best writing award nominees write shitty poetic lines like that.

On the way back,I saw a fight break out at a club – the streets were quickly populated with youngsters and the sound of smashed beer bottles. It piqued my interest for about 10 minutes but once the police were in the vicinity I just as rather go back to the room and marinade in self pity.

It’s luck of the draw sometimes at film festivals – I get that. Short films aren’t the main attraction. Had Emily been up with the Mafia comedy I would have had a packed house. But instead I’m put with a piece of crap at the end of the night.

Alone – that’s how I started, and that’s how I ended watching the premiere. Perhaps that’s the best way it could have been, let me suffer the disgrace of being paired with that stinkin’ turd next to my movie. Maybe I’m just going into defensive mode, I tend to put a good face on these things.

It’s not their fault that their movie was a turd. No one starts off wanting to make a stinker (though that whole concept of skipping the step of making a good short before you tackle a feature plays in it). I’m NOT blaming their movie for my movie not having an audience. Please don’t think that. I needed to supply my own audience. I get that. That’s something I’m woefully bad at.

It wasn’t until the Sunday brunch that I got to meet other filmmakers – Embarrassed, I held off on sharing my experience until later in the day… fellow filmmakers felt my “pain”. If it wasn’t for that opportunity to meet other serious people in the business, I would have brushed this off as a waste. I talked to them and hopefully we can do some interesting features with a few of them in the future.

So that’s my story. Marketing is key – it’s the single most important thing separating the studios from the independents. Everyone touting the death of Hollywood doesn’t understand that fact.

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